Trimming The Claws Of Fear

"Fear is just a feeling. You feel hot. You feel hungry. You feel angry. You feel afraid. Fear can never kill you."
- Chiun "Remo Williams: The Adventure Begins"

A friend of mine once related in a blog post about how through a series of events they managed to ‘kick fear’s ass’ and break out from the self imposed walls that surrounded them. Having finally broken out of the box, they now see with renewed eyes of hope and a sense of empowerment they had not previously known in their brief existence in this life thus far. They considered themselves to be ‘fearless’, and it’s this phrase that gives me pause to muse over.

As related in the quote above, fear is just a feeling, and one we often give far more power to than it deserves. It is this very empowerment that holds us back on the path, like a heavy rock in a fast moving stream. This is also true of any feeling in which we give more power, intentional or not. It’s all too easy to become unbalanced in this ‘Verse. Sometimes it sneaks up on you when you’re least aware (or most vulnerable), and it can take an entire lifetime in which to right the imbalance, sometimes several lifetimes.

“Learning that we’re only immortal, for a limited time.”
- Rush

However, to completely live without a certain emotion or feeling can also create an imbalance. Fear exists simply to remind us that we are mortal, nothing more. To live fearless, without any fear, is to believe ourselves to be immortal, and that belief can lead one down a reckless path. We are fragile beings, heart and soul, and without fear to keep us in check, we can extend far beyond our own limitations, and, as Dirty Harry Callahan would put it:

“A man’s got to know his limitations.”

Fear (like any other emotion) should be fully embraced, then let go. That’s it. No emotion or feeling is meant to be withheld for very long. It’s meant to be acknowledged in the grand scheme of the ‘Verse, then released back into the flow. Energy remains in motion, constant motion. We are never idle, nor should your feelings be.

Considering just how limited our time is in this life, emotions and feelings (regardless of how powerful) should never stand in your way. They should only tap you on the shoulder from time to time when you happen to step off the path. I live with fear, but I don’t hold its hand. I give it a quick nod to let it know it’s there, then keep moving forward.

Life is a constant stare of renewal. Let’s not forget that whole Yin/Yang deal. Positive and negative energies, forever entwined, beginning and ending in constant motion, maintaining a constant balance. The seeds of one found in the body of another. Nothing missing. All complete.

You can trim a predator’s claws, but if you remove them completely, you take away everything it was, and everything it is. Let fear do its thing, but you keep doing your thing.

There’s still plenty of other ass to kick out there.

Move With Purpose

Water is not idle, nor does it flow aimlessly. Rivers move in one direction, over trees and rocks, mountains and valleys, always flowing purposely. It never changes its destination, never stops mid stream. It continues moving, regardless of the outcome.

I have often lamented that we as traveling souls in this ‘Verse should flow like water. It is essential for our continued growth in this world, to be moving. More often than not, however, we find ourselves standing still, or moving in circles, without purpose. Some of us are even firmly planted as heavy rocks in a fast moving stream, refusing to do anything in this life. Our own stubbornness becomes our undoing, and for some, and entire lifetime can unfold around them and pass them by.

As infants we struggle for movement, first with crawling, then taking our first steps. Once we know we can walk (and even run) without assistance, we never want to stop moving. Instantly we are in the river and the journey begins. Movement is life. We have somewhere to be, even if we don’t always know where we’re going.

I spent a lot of time in this life idle. A lot of time burned on stubbornness and fear. Plenty of course headings lay before my ship, yet I chose none of them. Stand still long enough and you eventually forget the reason you were put on this earth. You watch others grow and change, yet there you are, stuck in a self repeating pattern of your own making.

I find myself back in the water again these days, flowing with the current instead of fighting against it. As I move with purpose, I find my soul to be more fulfilled, more at peace. The more I embrace the journey and the less that I question its destination, I tend to find even greater value within the moments, and pay closer attention to them.

Be bold with your steps. They are yours for the taking. Life will continue to move with or without you in the water, so don’t get yourself stuck waiting on the shoreline.

The view is much better when you’re moving…

The Bending

I am naturally drawn to the trees, as I have a strong wood element, according to Chinese medicine. I’ve always felt at home amongst the mountains and forests, roaming freely under a canopy of leaves that guide my soul. As a swordsman, I perform my meditative kata utilizing a wooden sword. While I grew up around the ocean, my bond to the water element was never that strong. I’ve listened to the waves crash against the shore countless times, but the water never called to me the way the trees do. I gravitate towards them, and listen to what they have to say.

Stepping outside the box is essential for bonding (or rebonding) with nature. Lui I-Ming had this to say:

“If people can be flexible and yielding, humble, with self-control, entirely free of agitation, cleared of all volatility, not angered by criticism, ignoring insult, docilely accepting hardships, illnesses, and natural disasters, utterly without anxiety or resentment when faced with danger or adversity, then people can be companions of the earth.”

We’re all interconnected, and by letting go of our own constructed walls, we allow our souls to hear all of the voices within the ’Verse. It wasn’t until my own ship crashed before I could hear the other energies call out to me. As I began to relearn how to live in this world, the trees would call to me several times, and before I knew it, I’d find myself in a state park strolling through them, listening with more than just my ears. I’d come away from these excursions with practical messages that I could incorporate into my life in a positive fashion.

Like the trees in the wind, this ‘bending’ of my soul allows me to move through this world with greater ease and less friction. I don’t take things personally. Events to unfold as they see fit, and I fashion myself around them, instead having them conform to my will. As I regard the trees on my daily walk, I notice how they simply waver in the breeze without breaking or falling. They are part of what is around them, and not a separate, unyielding entity.

I’ve learned much from my ongoing dialogue with the wood element, and when the trees call I answer without hesitation. I’ve spent enough time wrapped up inside my own stubborn head, enough time being isolated from the rhythm of the ‘Verse.

Listen for the voices that call to you. They are out there, waiting patiently for your soul to bend. Waiting to bring you back into the fold of all that surrounds you…

Through Bode's Eyes

"We all see what we want to see. You have to look with better eyes than that!"
- "The Abyss"

The infant in the above photo is that of my nephew. My sister is a known 'photoholic', and nearly every picture she has taken has shown the same, non smiling face with that wide eyed, crazed look in his eyes. This is the same look one might get waking up after three days of nonstop partying to find yourself in an expensive Vegas hotel suite with three goats, two midgets, one blue horse, and Wayne Newton asleep in the bathtub, then wondering how you got there when you know the party started in New Jersey.

I initially thought that this expression had to do with his rather abrupt entry into this world. He wasn't quite done 'cooking', so to speak, but his warm and safe enclave suddenly became very cold and claustrophobic, so he promptly hit the eject button. Unfortunately, because his lungs hadn't fully developed yet, he quickly found out that he couldn't yet breathe. Modern medicine interceded on his behalf, and suddenly the little guy found himself attached to every piece of neonatal equipment known to man. Tubes, wires, machines that go beep! beep! beep!, blue lights, and a bed that was far less comfortable than his previous digs.

So began Bode's dance between this world and the next. It was now a waiting game for my sister and her husband, a moment by moment waiting game. They would repeatedly have to hear the worst eight words you can say to any parent: "He make not make it through the night". Suddenly your world gets very focused. Your whole sense of priorities shift, and getting the laundry done doesn't hold the same weight it did earlier. That trip to the mall, Christmas cards, the oil change on the way home. They don't mean a damn thing when your child is in danger of leaving this life.

Your world becomes of time, of the moment. How long is 'through the night' anyway? Five hours? Seven? You become intensely focused on every square inch of your child's ever so fragile form. You pray constantly to whatever god you follow in this life. You ask, you beg, you make deals. Anything to keep your child among the living. The night passes, dawn breaks, and he's still with you. You've survived the first hill of the roller coaster, but then you realize just how big a coaster it is that lies before you.

Your child is going to stay and dance awhile. One step forward, two back, and the like. Moments become hours, hours become days, days lead into weeks. Routine sets in. Your world expands as you come to know the hospital staff by more than just their nametags. You finally talk to another mother who's been there everyday like yourself and learn that her child is also dancing in their own fight for life. Suddenly it becomes a little less about you, and you discover that you're not as alone as you once thought.

Bode's dance expands the circle of souls that are touched. Time marches forward, a few more steps are taken, and the circle expands even farther outward. From a hospital in Pennsylvania to a small apartment in Massachusetts, Bode touches his uncle's rapidly crumbling selfish armor and knocks a few more holes into it. I reach out to my sister in my own creative way, and it gives her that little bit of added strength to make it through just one more day of not being able to hold her own son.

Eventually the energy shifts and prayers are answered as Bode steps further into this world. Medical equipment is removed one lifeline at a time, until finally he's just one short hernia operation away from being home by Thanksgiving. The holidays take on even greater meaning this year as Bode is welcomed fully into the fold, and a new routine sets in for my family. The routine of raising a normal, healthy child.

Now we're back to those photos of his big, wide eyes looking back at us, and upon reflection I discover the reason for his expression. It has nothing to do with fear, shock, pain, or concern. It's not a bit of negative energy at all.

It's joy.

Bode is gazing upon the unconditional joy found in everything that surrounds us. The trees, the sun, Christmas lights, new fallen snow, mom and dad, friends and family, and so on. He sees what we often miss as we move through this life, and he's still awestruck from the experience.

So maybe that's the reason for Bode's tumultuous journey into this world. Perhaps it was just his way of letting us know that we too should widen our own eyes a bit. We should allow some of that joy into our own hearts and souls. We should be awestruck.

My gift of strength to my sister and her husband were tee shirts I had made with the caption, "Bode Knows Birth". I'm now inclined to believe that Bode may know something about life, as well...

Four Items To Destiny

Upon my return home today I found a FedEx box waiting upon my doorstep. It was one of those post holiday gifts, where the good intention was to have it arrive before Christmas, but inevitably always seems to end up getting there after the new year regardless of one's best efforts. It was from my former copilot, and I was somewhat surprised by the large size of the box, considering I was only expecting a CD.

Once opened I discovered not one, but four items that are pictured in the photo above. In of themselves they hold little meaning, but together they come to represent a defining part of my soul. They are as follows:

Sunglasses
"Big Trouble In Little China" complete original soundtrack CD
"Art And Fear" by David Bayles and Ted Orland
The 2009 Thomas Guide street map of the greater Los Angeles area

The CD and LA street map were gifts from my former copilot (the CD for Christmas, the map for when I finally moved to LA). The sunglasses I had bought on one of my excursions to the west coast. I found it easier to leave them behind, as I developed a knack for either breaking or losing them from one side of the country to the other. The book was also mine, which I had lent to my copilot in the hopes that she too would be inspired by the material as I had been, since we were both writers by talent.

I quickly squirreled them away to different corners of my room and embarked upon my daily walk. There wasn't an accompanying note or card, but there didn't need to be. I knew that on one hand the bulk of the items were remnants of a former relationship, little bits of wreckage that one finds once the ship has crashed. It was the physical manifestation of a relationship door closing. I was content to enjoy the CD and leave it at that, but as I strode through the cold January air, a greater meaning overtook these four items:

They were part of who I am, and who I wanted to be.

Film is my passion, my religion. The artist, the writer, the screenwriter constantly stirs within me. The book, "Art & Fear" inspired me to embrace that passion fully and leave the self constructed walls behind. Ironically, that book was recommended by a screenwriter and filmmaker named Robert Rodriguez on one of his DVD commentaries.

The CD is a soundtrack from one of my favorite 80's movies. One of the few films in which I know all the lines of dialogue, as well as most of the musical cues. The hero, Jack Burton, and the style of writing still bring me joy and continue to inspire the types of stories I create 25 years after the film's release.

The Thomas Guide represents the finding of my way on the artist's journey. LA is ground zero for my passion, and while I may or may not one day live there, it certainly doesn't hurt to know your way around, physically, spiritually, or creatively.

The sunglasses represent the fame associated with all that is Hollywood. It is the reward for the fruits of your labor. You become a creator of magic, entertaining millions around the world. Everyone knows your name. The sunglasses can shield you from the bright spotlights, but leave them on too long and you run the risk of losing yourself within the illusion.

These items bound together illustrate one third of my soul (swordsman and adventurist being the other two thirds). They symbolize the journey forward, moving defiantly towards the goals which I have set before myself in this life. They are not an ending of something that was, but instead a reminder of who I am in this 'Verse, and where my destiny lies.

Four items to catapult me forth down the path, and my soul ignites over what lies ahead. This is a powerful way to begin my new year.

Take some time to find the Items to Destiny in your life. They are ready to illuminate your path.

The Journey 2009

The following is more for my own sense of placement in this 'Verse than it is for enlightened reading. Gonna take a few moments to reflect on my various course headings over the past year and see which ones moved me further down the path and which ones left me standing cold. This 'taking stock' is essential for living honorably in this life. One must bravely face both the positive and negative energies that constantly surround us if one wishes continued growth for the soul.

Some of this won't be pretty, but it'll all be honest. Brutally honest, for that's the only way I roll in this life. Spend enough time in the shadows and you will either eventually crave the sunlight, or forever embrace the darkness. I chose the path of light, so I must accept all that goes with it, and that includes shining a light upon all of my darker moments.

So here we go, one final dance with all the moments that made up the year 2009 for my traveling soul...

I've had the privilege of traveling out of state no less than eight times this year (5 to Southern CA, 2 to FL, and once to IL), and those experiences have given my adventurist spirit some much needed nourishment. I had been contained in one place for too long, so it was wonderful to explore a bit more of this 'Verse and remind myself of the view outside the box. Further travel will certainly be on my list in 2010.

I lost the woman I wanted to marry in this life. Due to her inability to communicate effectively, she would self destruct a healthy relationship and crash our ship before I had a chance to grab the controls. I'm still kicking around small pieces of wreckage and wondering why people can't honestly express themselves when they know life is too damn short.

I have maintained my healthy lifestyle over the past year, and am still in the best mental, physical, and spiritual shape of my life. I am extremely proud of this accomplishment, and will continue to live honorably in the 'now' for 2010, and beyond...

On the flip side, due to my overwhelming commitment to maintaining a healthy lifestyle, I had inadvertently become a 'self righteous prick' (as a former friend phrased it) and began telling other crew members how they should live their lives. As a result of these judgemental actions, I would lose three crew from my ship before I finally realized what I had been doing. I've addressed the problem, yet the bridges are still smoldering embers. Time will tell if they can one day be rebuilt.

I became an uncle for the second time in my life this year. My sister gave birth prematurely to her son, and as a result, he would dance on the fine edge between this world and the next for several stressful months. Finally, the energy would shift favorably for my family and now the little guy is happily enjoying his first holiday season. I am grateful in 2010 that I will finally get to formally meet him and welcome him to this amazing planet.

I came up with no less than three screenplay ideas, but have yet to complete any of those (or any other) projects this year. I am an artist, so therefore I will act accordingly in 2010.

On the flip side (again), I've started this blog as an outlet for my creative and self defining musings. I am proud of this creation, and look forward to adding to it even more in the coming year.

Finally, as I sat and watched "Up In The Air" on Christmas day, I realized that I had spent the last couple of years emptying my 'backpack' of everything that made up my old, not so honorable, life. While I am grateful to no longer bear the heavy weight, I also noticed that it had become far too quiet in my world. Perhaps it is time to get a little noisy again. Therefore, 2010 will be the year to refill the 'backpack' of my redefined life.

I will travel light, but I won't travel alone. I follow my creed:

Dare to dream.
Fight to feel.
Live to die.

After all, a ship don't fly without a good crew to keep her in the air.

Happy New Year.

Say A Prayer To The Cinema Gods

I was raised in a Roman Catholic household. That meant eight years of Catholic schooling, church every Sunday, Christmas, Easter, and even a stint as an altar boy (unmolested, as far as I know). Throughout this entire experience, I never once felt the 'presence of God' within me or within the church. What I did feel was boredom, usually brought upon by the mindless repetition of prayers and rituals that held absolutely no meaning for me. Faith only has power when you believe in something, so all this standing, kneeling, and chanting seemed rather pointless.

As I grew older and slowly escaped my family's religious grasp, I knew I would have to seek out my own set of 'isms' in the 'Verse that I could actually follow without falling half asleep. In my spiritual travels, I eventually found my way to the belief systems of the Eastern religions (Zen, Buddhism, etc.). These beliefs were less concerned about 'God' as an external entity and more about him as an internal one. We are all 'God' in a sense, having complete control over our own destinies; our souls interconnected with all that surrounds us. A Zen of 'oneness'.

These tenets were far more appealing since they universal in scope, not being constrained to the confines of a 'holy' building, or a rigid set of rules to follow. It was less organized and more organic. I've even adopted a few Pagan beliefs with regards to maintaining a symbiotic relationship with nature. Suddenly a simple walk amongst the trees could become a deeply spiritual experience.

However, as much as I enjoyed the Zen 'tree hugging', I knew I would also need a place to turn when one needs help processing the daily challenges of life. There was no priest, sage, or weekly sermon that I could draw from, and the trees can only say so much (Ents excluded, of course). Where then, was I to turn when I sought understanding, growth, courage, and patience? What religion lie out there that could validate my mortal existence? The answer, not surprisingly, was a) simple, and b) had been with me the whole time:

Film. Motion Pictures. Moving images of dancing light.

This was my religion, my 'ism' in a world of doubt. The screenplay as my scripture, the theater as my church. I realized that I actually had been worshiping about once a week for all those years, just not in a conventional house of worship. I noticed that whenever I needed answers to the challenges I faced, I would turn to film. More often than not, those answers would provide me with more insight than any mindless hour I would spend inside a Catholic church, or 'confessing' to a priest who was probably only half listening at the time.

Film speaks to me, and I listen. It moves me to tears, gives me strength, and offers me comfort in times of need. I am at peace inside a theater. I am home. It is one of my 'sacred' places. Took me a while to wrap my head around the concept that film could be just as valid a spiritual belief as any of the 'organized' religions out there, but when some people believe a dude can blow a horn and aliens will descend to Earth for a UFO pickup, I suppose anything really is possible in this 'Verse. I believe religion, like film, is simply a creation of man. One is not more or less important than the other, as they both can offer solace to help move us through this world.

Film is an integral part of my self definition. It's always been with me, and will continue to be with me, to guide me, as long as I take breath. I cannot ignore what inspires and gives me hope. While there are certainly cheaper religions to follow, I feel the cost of a ticket is nominal considering the return I receive on my investment. Hell, even the lousy films have something worthwhile to say, even if that message is: don't make a movie like this one!

Every weekend I know exactly where to find my faith. It's usually in the center of the row, right before a big white screen, and I never have to kneel. I say a prayer to the cinema gods, knowing we are both equal in this 'Verse. The storyteller and the audience, forever entwined within the tapestry...

Go find yours.