The following is more for my own sense of placement in this 'Verse than it is for enlightened reading. Gonna take a few moments to reflect on my various course headings over the past year and see which ones moved me further down the path and which ones left me standing cold. This 'taking stock' is essential for living honorably in this life. One must bravely face both the positive and negative energies that constantly surround us if one wishes continued growth for the soul.
Some of this won't be pretty, but it'll all be honest. Brutally honest, for that's the only way I roll in this life. Spend enough time in the shadows and you will either eventually crave the sunlight, or forever embrace the darkness. I chose the path of light, so I must accept all that goes with it, and that includes shining a light upon all of my darker moments.
So here we go, one final dance with all the moments that made up the year 2009 for my traveling soul...
I've had the privilege of traveling out of state no less than eight times this year (5 to Southern CA, 2 to FL, and once to IL), and those experiences have given my adventurist spirit some much needed nourishment. I had been contained in one place for too long, so it was wonderful to explore a bit more of this 'Verse and remind myself of the view outside the box. Further travel will certainly be on my list in 2010.
I lost the woman I wanted to marry in this life. Due to her inability to communicate effectively, she would self destruct a healthy relationship and crash our ship before I had a chance to grab the controls. I'm still kicking around small pieces of wreckage and wondering why people can't honestly express themselves when they know life is too damn short.
I have maintained my healthy lifestyle over the past year, and am still in the best mental, physical, and spiritual shape of my life. I am extremely proud of this accomplishment, and will continue to live honorably in the 'now' for 2010, and beyond...
On the flip side, due to my overwhelming commitment to maintaining a healthy lifestyle, I had inadvertently become a 'self righteous prick' (as a former friend phrased it) and began telling other crew members how they should live their lives. As a result of these judgemental actions, I would lose three crew from my ship before I finally realized what I had been doing. I've addressed the problem, yet the bridges are still smoldering embers. Time will tell if they can one day be rebuilt.
I became an uncle for the second time in my life this year. My sister gave birth prematurely to her son, and as a result, he would dance on the fine edge between this world and the next for several stressful months. Finally, the energy would shift favorably for my family and now the little guy is happily enjoying his first holiday season. I am grateful in 2010 that I will finally get to formally meet him and welcome him to this amazing planet.
I came up with no less than three screenplay ideas, but have yet to complete any of those (or any other) projects this year. I am an artist, so therefore I will act accordingly in 2010.
On the flip side (again), I've started this blog as an outlet for my creative and self defining musings. I am proud of this creation, and look forward to adding to it even more in the coming year.
Finally, as I sat and watched "Up In The Air" on Christmas day, I realized that I had spent the last couple of years emptying my 'backpack' of everything that made up my old, not so honorable, life. While I am grateful to no longer bear the heavy weight, I also noticed that it had become far too quiet in my world. Perhaps it is time to get a little noisy again. Therefore, 2010 will be the year to refill the 'backpack' of my redefined life.
I will travel light, but I won't travel alone. I follow my creed:
Dare to dream.
Fight to feel.
Live to die.
After all, a ship don't fly without a good crew to keep her in the air.
Happy New Year.
Friday, December 25, 2009
Say A Prayer To The Cinema Gods
I was raised in a Roman Catholic household. That meant eight years of Catholic schooling, church every Sunday, Christmas, Easter, and even a stint as an altar boy (unmolested, as far as I know). Throughout this entire experience, I never once felt the 'presence of God' within me or within the church. What I did feel was boredom, usually brought upon by the mindless repetition of prayers and rituals that held absolutely no meaning for me. Faith only has power when you believe in something, so all this standing, kneeling, and chanting seemed rather pointless.
As I grew older and slowly escaped my family's religious grasp, I knew I would have to seek out my own set of 'isms' in the 'Verse that I could actually follow without falling half asleep. In my spiritual travels, I eventually found my way to the belief systems of the Eastern religions (Zen, Buddhism, etc.). These beliefs were less concerned about 'God' as an external entity and more about him as an internal one. We are all 'God' in a sense, having complete control over our own destinies; our souls interconnected with all that surrounds us. A Zen of 'oneness'.
These tenets were far more appealing since they universal in scope, not being constrained to the confines of a 'holy' building, or a rigid set of rules to follow. It was less organized and more organic. I've even adopted a few Pagan beliefs with regards to maintaining a symbiotic relationship with nature. Suddenly a simple walk amongst the trees could become a deeply spiritual experience.
However, as much as I enjoyed the Zen 'tree hugging', I knew I would also need a place to turn when one needs help processing the daily challenges of life. There was no priest, sage, or weekly sermon that I could draw from, and the trees can only say so much (Ents excluded, of course). Where then, was I to turn when I sought understanding, growth, courage, and patience? What religion lie out there that could validate my mortal existence? The answer, not surprisingly, was a) simple, and b) had been with me the whole time:
Film. Motion Pictures. Moving images of dancing light.
This was my religion, my 'ism' in a world of doubt. The screenplay as my scripture, the theater as my church. I realized that I actually had been worshiping about once a week for all those years, just not in a conventional house of worship. I noticed that whenever I needed answers to the challenges I faced, I would turn to film. More often than not, those answers would provide me with more insight than any mindless hour I would spend inside a Catholic church, or 'confessing' to a priest who was probably only half listening at the time.
Film speaks to me, and I listen. It moves me to tears, gives me strength, and offers me comfort in times of need. I am at peace inside a theater. I am home. It is one of my 'sacred' places. Took me a while to wrap my head around the concept that film could be just as valid a spiritual belief as any of the 'organized' religions out there, but when some people believe a dude can blow a horn and aliens will descend to Earth for a UFO pickup, I suppose anything really is possible in this 'Verse. I believe religion, like film, is simply a creation of man. One is not more or less important than the other, as they both can offer solace to help move us through this world.
Film is an integral part of my self definition. It's always been with me, and will continue to be with me, to guide me, as long as I take breath. I cannot ignore what inspires and gives me hope. While there are certainly cheaper religions to follow, I feel the cost of a ticket is nominal considering the return I receive on my investment. Hell, even the lousy films have something worthwhile to say, even if that message is: don't make a movie like this one!
Every weekend I know exactly where to find my faith. It's usually in the center of the row, right before a big white screen, and I never have to kneel. I say a prayer to the cinema gods, knowing we are both equal in this 'Verse. The storyteller and the audience, forever entwined within the tapestry...
Go find yours.
As I grew older and slowly escaped my family's religious grasp, I knew I would have to seek out my own set of 'isms' in the 'Verse that I could actually follow without falling half asleep. In my spiritual travels, I eventually found my way to the belief systems of the Eastern religions (Zen, Buddhism, etc.). These beliefs were less concerned about 'God' as an external entity and more about him as an internal one. We are all 'God' in a sense, having complete control over our own destinies; our souls interconnected with all that surrounds us. A Zen of 'oneness'.
These tenets were far more appealing since they universal in scope, not being constrained to the confines of a 'holy' building, or a rigid set of rules to follow. It was less organized and more organic. I've even adopted a few Pagan beliefs with regards to maintaining a symbiotic relationship with nature. Suddenly a simple walk amongst the trees could become a deeply spiritual experience.
However, as much as I enjoyed the Zen 'tree hugging', I knew I would also need a place to turn when one needs help processing the daily challenges of life. There was no priest, sage, or weekly sermon that I could draw from, and the trees can only say so much (Ents excluded, of course). Where then, was I to turn when I sought understanding, growth, courage, and patience? What religion lie out there that could validate my mortal existence? The answer, not surprisingly, was a) simple, and b) had been with me the whole time:
Film. Motion Pictures. Moving images of dancing light.
This was my religion, my 'ism' in a world of doubt. The screenplay as my scripture, the theater as my church. I realized that I actually had been worshiping about once a week for all those years, just not in a conventional house of worship. I noticed that whenever I needed answers to the challenges I faced, I would turn to film. More often than not, those answers would provide me with more insight than any mindless hour I would spend inside a Catholic church, or 'confessing' to a priest who was probably only half listening at the time.
Film speaks to me, and I listen. It moves me to tears, gives me strength, and offers me comfort in times of need. I am at peace inside a theater. I am home. It is one of my 'sacred' places. Took me a while to wrap my head around the concept that film could be just as valid a spiritual belief as any of the 'organized' religions out there, but when some people believe a dude can blow a horn and aliens will descend to Earth for a UFO pickup, I suppose anything really is possible in this 'Verse. I believe religion, like film, is simply a creation of man. One is not more or less important than the other, as they both can offer solace to help move us through this world.
Film is an integral part of my self definition. It's always been with me, and will continue to be with me, to guide me, as long as I take breath. I cannot ignore what inspires and gives me hope. While there are certainly cheaper religions to follow, I feel the cost of a ticket is nominal considering the return I receive on my investment. Hell, even the lousy films have something worthwhile to say, even if that message is: don't make a movie like this one!
Every weekend I know exactly where to find my faith. It's usually in the center of the row, right before a big white screen, and I never have to kneel. I say a prayer to the cinema gods, knowing we are both equal in this 'Verse. The storyteller and the audience, forever entwined within the tapestry...
Go find yours.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Soapbox Removal
As we take command of our ships in this life and firmly plant ourselves in the Captain's chair, we sometimes lose sight of our course heading regarding our crew, due mainly to the overwhelming sense of empowerment we feel as we take control. We forget that what worked for us may not work for everyone else, and it's ultimately up to them to steer their own boats where they best feel they need to go, and not where you want them to go.
A good friend recently said that there was a fine line between a few words of encouragement, and flat out telling people how to live their lives. People don't like to be meddled with, and it seems that I had forgotten that fine point in the months of late, so much so that I lost no less than three trusted crew from my boat over my own arrogance.
When you live 'outside the box', as I often say, you can see much clearer down the path. Not just for yourself, but for others as well who still continue to live within their own boxes. You want desperately to yank them out of their constraints to get them to see this wonderful, far reaching view, but you can't. You simply can't. Why? Because it's not your job. They must be the ones to take command of their ships, and only them. I mistook 'taking care of your crew' for 'yank them from their boxes regardless of the cost'.
I made the less than effective choice to ignore the warning signs and blaze ahead uninvited down other crew's paths. As they left my boat, I still didn't see that it was my own actions that gave cause for their departure. I stubbornly blamed them for not being able to see what I saw, for not listening to their captain and blindly following his directive. The captain had become too big for his own chair, and I was certainly overdue to have the soapbox kicked out from under me.
That moment would come from one of my most trusted (and now 'former') crew members. I was a captive audience, sitting in heavy traffic as the rain poured down upon the car as we drove to the airport. There was nowhere to go, and after nearly an hour of silence between us, my friend let me have it with both barrels over my actions during the course of our time spent together. I had become a "self righteous prick", and proceeded to tell me how I had been telling them what they needed in their lives to make them better. I even went so far as to embarrass myself with their roommate and another close friend by telling them what they needed as well!
I was finally humbled, knocked from my high perch and returned back to earth. I had went to see my friend in a effort to rebuild a bridge, and through my own arrogant actions, I had inadvertently blown it up, river Kwai style. The long plane flight home gave me ample time to retrace my course heading over the past few months and understand why these precious crew members had left my ship.
My boat keeps flying, but I am saddened over the loss. Life grows too short for me to lose any more crew over my own misguided perceptions of how people should live. Therefore, I'm leaving the soapbox behind. Having a bird's eye view doesn't make you a god. I'm just a captain, one who knows full well that there are always consequences to the choices we make, and some of those are eternal.
My former crew member said it best: "A true friend is someone who lets other friends make their own choices, even if you do not agree with them. You are there to console them when they fail, and celebrate their victory when they succeed."
To sum this long winded post up:
I'm sorry. Deeply sorry for my past actions. You will always be loved, and always be welcomed aboard my boat.
We only move forward in this 'Verse.
A good friend recently said that there was a fine line between a few words of encouragement, and flat out telling people how to live their lives. People don't like to be meddled with, and it seems that I had forgotten that fine point in the months of late, so much so that I lost no less than three trusted crew from my boat over my own arrogance.
When you live 'outside the box', as I often say, you can see much clearer down the path. Not just for yourself, but for others as well who still continue to live within their own boxes. You want desperately to yank them out of their constraints to get them to see this wonderful, far reaching view, but you can't. You simply can't. Why? Because it's not your job. They must be the ones to take command of their ships, and only them. I mistook 'taking care of your crew' for 'yank them from their boxes regardless of the cost'.
I made the less than effective choice to ignore the warning signs and blaze ahead uninvited down other crew's paths. As they left my boat, I still didn't see that it was my own actions that gave cause for their departure. I stubbornly blamed them for not being able to see what I saw, for not listening to their captain and blindly following his directive. The captain had become too big for his own chair, and I was certainly overdue to have the soapbox kicked out from under me.
That moment would come from one of my most trusted (and now 'former') crew members. I was a captive audience, sitting in heavy traffic as the rain poured down upon the car as we drove to the airport. There was nowhere to go, and after nearly an hour of silence between us, my friend let me have it with both barrels over my actions during the course of our time spent together. I had become a "self righteous prick", and proceeded to tell me how I had been telling them what they needed in their lives to make them better. I even went so far as to embarrass myself with their roommate and another close friend by telling them what they needed as well!
I was finally humbled, knocked from my high perch and returned back to earth. I had went to see my friend in a effort to rebuild a bridge, and through my own arrogant actions, I had inadvertently blown it up, river Kwai style. The long plane flight home gave me ample time to retrace my course heading over the past few months and understand why these precious crew members had left my ship.
My boat keeps flying, but I am saddened over the loss. Life grows too short for me to lose any more crew over my own misguided perceptions of how people should live. Therefore, I'm leaving the soapbox behind. Having a bird's eye view doesn't make you a god. I'm just a captain, one who knows full well that there are always consequences to the choices we make, and some of those are eternal.
My former crew member said it best: "A true friend is someone who lets other friends make their own choices, even if you do not agree with them. You are there to console them when they fail, and celebrate their victory when they succeed."
To sum this long winded post up:
I'm sorry. Deeply sorry for my past actions. You will always be loved, and always be welcomed aboard my boat.
We only move forward in this 'Verse.
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